The Art of Sucking Up: A Survival Guide for the Office Politician
We all know that one person in the office—you know, the one who seems to have an almost magical ability to "accidentally" run into the boss just as they’re walking to the break room or who somehow finds the perfect moment to drop a casual compliment during a meeting. Yes, we’re talking about the master of office survival: the suck-up.
But sucking up isn’t just about flattery—it’s a delicate art, requiring skill, timing, and just the right amount of cringe-worthy effort. So let’s take a humorous look at the types of suck-up tactics that roam the wild terrain of the workplace.
1. The Compliment Ninja
This is the person who slips in a compliment so smoothly, you almost don’t notice it until it's too late. One moment, they’re talking about spreadsheets, and the next, you hear, “By the way, you handled that quarterly report like an absolute legend. Are you sure you don’t secretly run this place?” You have to give them credit—it’s subtle, but effective. It’s like they’ve trained with the compliment version of a ninja master.
Pro Tip: If you’re going for this approach, remember to stay sneaky. Too many compliments in one day, and you’ll end up looking like you’re campaigning for Employee of the Month (again).
2. The Coffee Courier
Nothing says, “I desperately want your approval” like a steaming hot cup of coffee magically appearing on your boss’s desk, unprompted, right before the Monday morning meeting. The coffee courier knows exactly how the boss takes it: two sugars, no cream, and a sprinkle of ambition. They might even have it labeled with an inspiring quote about leadership just to hammer the point home.
Pro Tip: Just don’t take this too far and become the office barista. You don’t want your boss thinking you’re better with a cappuccino than a contract.
3. The Meeting Echo
This person’s specialty is chiming in during meetings to repeat whatever the boss just said—only louder and with more enthusiasm. “I think we should focus on increasing Q4 profits,” says the boss. “YES! INCREASING Q4 PROFITS IS KEY!” echoes the suck-up, as if it were a revolutionary idea. Sure, it’s shameless, but it also works. After all, who doesn’t like hearing their ideas enthusiastically repeated back to them?
Pro Tip: Be careful with this one. Too much echoing, and you might be mistaken for a parrot. And nobody gives a promotion to Polly.
4. The Over-Sharer
The over-sharer bonds with the boss on a deeply personal level. They know the boss’s favorite sports team, where they vacation, and probably the name of their dog. Any chance they get, they’re bringing up these little tidbits in casual conversation: “Oh, you’re wearing a Red Sox hat today? How’s Daisy doing after that walk last weekend in the park?” It’s impressive, and a little creepy.
Pro Tip: Keep it light. If you start memorizing their dentist appointments or their favorite childhood ice cream flavor, you might cross from "charming" into "restraining order territory."
5. The Over-Achiever
This is the person who volunteers for everything. Committee meetings, organizing the office holiday party, extra reports—if the boss needs something done, the over-achiever has already signed up, completed it, and drafted an outline for the next task. It’s admirable, but also exhausting to watch. You start to wonder if they sleep, or if they run on pure ambition and fear of being overlooked for a promotion.
Pro Tip: Balance is key. You don’t want to be so over-eager that your colleagues start avoiding eye contact every time a volunteer is needed.
6. The Social Media Hero
Sucking up has gone digital! The social media hero isn’t afraid to like, share, or comment on every post their boss makes. New LinkedIn update? “Congratulations, you are an inspiration to us all!” Tweet about a meeting? “Best meeting ever, I learned so much!” It’s like the virtual version of popping up behind the boss at the water cooler, except it’s in front of all 500 of their connections.
Pro Tip: Keep the online admiration to a moderate level. You don’t want to be the person who comments “Wow, you’re so right!” on your boss’s post about the weather.
Final Thoughts
Sucking up has been a part of office life since the dawn of cubicles, but let’s be real—there’s an art to it. Whether you’re a compliment ninja or a meeting echo, the key is subtlety, balance, and timing. Sure, we can all cringe at a good old-fashioned suck-up, but sometimes, it’s just about playing the game… with a healthy dose of self-awareness.
After all, as long as you don’t overdo it, a little extra brownie-point earning never hurt anyone—especially if it comes with actual brownies.
